This loss shattered my brain, put me into such a shock and disarray that I fainted 35 days in a row. My brain would shut down. Through this incredible pain and suffering I learned many things. That grief of a mother was not emotional, psychological nor due to bonding. It was neurological, physiological, a loss at a cellular level. Where every cell in my body had lost, my brain, ever cell in ever organ had lost. The pain was not up to me. I felt like having Covid for a whole year.
After the first month I started teaching again. My students would say, ‘Manijeh you are fine when you are teaching. We wish you would teach every night so we could take your class so you can be fine.’ It was an amazing journey of facing the truth of things, going through an unfathomable amount of pain and sorrow. I traveled to several cities and countries in Japan, New Zealand, Thailand, England and brought his ashes with me to every monastery I visited. The ritual of honoring his life and intention for happiness became a mission for me.
As I felt my pain and healed from it I taught others the same. My heart of compassion expanded like never before. I understood all pains and sufferings of the world and every time pain of grief would hit me I’d wish that no being, no matter how evil, should ever experience such pains. Within the last five years I have lost eight very close and special people in my life including three of my closest friends, my father, my aunt who was my soulmate and my child.
Through my own and others’ journey I discovered a natural developmental and transformational process, what I call the Five Stages of Human Software Optimization. I also realized people take a seminar or course about Mindfulness with a teacher, go to a retreat somewhere else, watch this Youtube video, learn different aspects of Mindfulness and related teachings in bits and pieces and in random fashion and don’t get the whole picture. I realized, there is a whole system, a life intelligence, that all human beings must learn, which we don’t necessarily learn when growing up and the classes I had designed per students’ request to go further offered a full spectrum well beyond Mindfulness and transformation. It encompassed other aspects of life that we, humans, must understand.